Back in Texas

Hi, I am safely back to Texas AND figured out how to make the title not be in Hindi.

Getting back to Texas was a trial. We were awake for nearly 24 straight hours and by the end of it, I felt that way. I feel much happier to be back in Texas than I did the last time I came home. I know that this is because before I was leaving a home and this time I wasn't leaving anything necessarily. I am excited to not live out of a backpack anymore. I will be living out of boxes that my mother has so kindly organized for me. I do feel a little bit like a child when I have to ask my mom where she packed my underwear. So it goes...

Even though I only just arrived home 48 hours ago, I think I have figured out why I took this trip. That sounds stupid, but it's not, hold on, I'll explain. Obviously, I had motivations for taking this trip in the first place: Leonie's wedding, seeing friends, seeing things, getting away (from what, I don't know), etc. And I did all of these things (I have the pictures to prove it) but post-trip, I realize that there was a lot more about this past month, beyond the obvious.

Before I left in May I was feeling a lot of anxiety and a lot of stress and generally not in a very positive state of mind. The only thing that was really "getting me through" it all was that I would be in Germany in a matter of days. I am not really sure why I felt like Germany (or the people in it) were going to solve my problems, but I did. I am very good at running away. But anyway, I wasn't feeling good about moving to New Orleans or out of my place in Austin or my parents moving or really, pretty much, anything that happened to be taking place at the time. (This was before Barack Obama was named the democratic nominee). But time continued on and everything happened whether I thought I was prepared to deal with or not. Turns out that's how things work: shit happens, you adapt. So, time rolled on and I got all packed up and moved out and to Dallas and on a plane and in Frankfurt and in a car and at Alban Stolz Haus and then it was...you know...real. I walked in the door, passed the mail boxes, up the stairs, into the kitchen and I was there. It smelled the same. It mostly looked the same. I saw the same people. It was weird. Really weird. And uncomfortable and I had to really think about why I felt that way so that I could stop feeling that way because Lord knows I don't already feel weird enough about everything. I really like change, most of the time, and I was having a lot of difficulty dealing with this place that had been such a huge part of my life in the past few years. Anyway, I'm not going to go into that much deeper.

But the trip continued and I pretty much continued to feel uneasiness about moving. And then I saw Kristen and we had a lot of time to just talk and she shared about her experiences with moving abroad and being alone and adapting to different situations and it was very good for me. And I began to feel a bit better. And then I traveled alone through Spain and met Crystal, which was great, because it was a connection back to the past. And then I traveled alone to meet Helki, who was a reconnection with the present. And we made it through France, although I got sick again but was nursed by Chris' mother in Paris. And then we got back to Germany and again we had the mindset of Germany somehow solving our problems. Cologne was great, but we saw Erik there, who more or less, I think could be considered a tie back to Freiburg. So I was now having a sort of emotional mix of past, present, future, and it was strange but not bad. And anyway, after this rambling and poorly written paragraph, I have this to say.

I realized the importance of maintaining relationships and giving people more than a face-value. I learned about learning from other's experiences. I became slightly more self-aware, or at least more comfortable with the idea of being alone. And I think, most importantly, I am less afraid now of certain things I was a month ago. Not necessarily in some huge way (it was only a month) but I am definitely slightly (slightly) less wimpy, and I think that is good. And this is what I have to offer you for a post right now.